Term of the Day: dry waterboarding

dry waterboarding--an incredibly boring job, where there is not enough work to keep busy. Several years ago, we were standing around at the 69th Street Armory, trying to look busy. In the prop department, we would run out of work often, for we had to wait for the props to arrive from England for the big Shakespeare festival. As we kept sweeping and re-sweeping the already clean parade floor, an old timer said, "This is like dry waterboarding."

Term of the Day: to doop

to doop someome--a small bribe or tribute to grease the wheels. "I dooped the elevator man a twenty so we had express service while loading in at 890 Broadway." See also: baksheesh.

Term of the Day: "If you can't fix it with gaff tape, it can't be fixed."

"If you can't fix it with gaff tape, it can't be fixed"--Gaff tape is the miracle material that holds the stage business together.

Term of the Moment: winging it

winging it--to repair something without the right materials, to improvise a solution. The original roots may be that "winging it" meant someone was feeding lines to an onstage actor from the wings.

Term of the Day: A Big-Ass Broadway Show

Big-Ass Broadway Show--a hit. The same character actor on the long-running show says, when you ask him how he's doing, "I'm on a big-ass Broadway show, what could be better?"

Obscene Term of the Day: "It's My Turn in the Barrel"

"It's My Turn in the Barrel"--It is my turn to do an unpleasant task. Could also be "It's your turn in the barrel." It comes from an obscene, homoerotic myth about how Navy men dealt with their sexual urges on long voyages. Ask your Navy veteran uncle to explain it, for I won't.

Phrase of the Day: "Better than delivering Chinese food on a bicycle."

"Better than delivering Chinese food on a bicycle"--Whenever a character actor at one of the long-running shows on Broadway is asked how the show is treating him, he says "Better than delivering Chinese food on a bicycle."

Term of the Day: SFB

SFB--shit for brains, very stupid man.

Term of the Day: vultures start circling

vultures start circling--when a stagehand or musician is on the cusp of being fired, people will start coming by, looking to take their jobs. "The vultures started circling when the word was on the street that the concertmaster at 'Lion King' was going to be fired."

Term of the Day: spitballing it

spitballing it--to improvise. "Let's spitball it now, until we come up with a permanent solution."

Term of the Day--on life support

on life support--when a show is losing money and ticket sales are going below the weekly nut (their operating expenses), the show is on life support because the producers are pumping in money to keep it alive until ticket sales pick up again. Sometimes these gambles pay off for the producers and a show survives with a longer, healthy run.

Pugilistic Term of the Day: one-punch artist

one-punch artist-- a stagehand who can knock another stagehand down with one punch. There is a very famous story behind this one, involving a Christmas House coming offstage and chicklets punched out on deck, but it is better as an oral legend.

Expression of the Day: laid and paid

laid and paid--happy stagehand, or a usually mopey stagehand who shows a brief moment of happiness. "It looks like he just got laid and paid."

Gold-Digging Term of the Moment--annuity-buster

annuity-buster-- a showgirl, or any person who gets a chunk of your annuity after the divorce. After the divorce, the ex-wife gets half your annuity for all the years you were married. "Bobby Bobby Bobby (an infamous stagehand) showed up to work catatonic after he'd found that his ex-wife had sucked half his annuity out of his account when the divorce was finalized. He had married an annuity buster."

Famous Stagehands in History #1: Edmund Spangler

Edmund Spangler was a carpenter at the Ford Theatre in Washington, D.C., working there on the night of April 14, 1865 when John Wilkes Booth shot President Abraham Lincoln. Spangler was an admirer of Booth, who was from a great American theatrical family. Spangler also shared Booth's successionist views and was pro-slavery. Spangler was responsible with other carpenters for preparing the box where Lincoln was to see the show.

On the night of April 14th, John Wilkes Booth showed up at the theater at 9:30 pm while the show was going on, and called for Spangler, asking him to hold his horse, a temperamental rented mare. After Booth shot the President and hobbled out on his injured leg that he broke jumping out of the box, Spangler punched out another stagehand pursuing the fleeing Booth.  He was arrested the next day, released then rearrested on April 17th. Spangler served six years in prison for conspiracy, until he was pardoned. He died of tuberculosis in 1879 in Maryland.

Term of the Day: stagehand torture device

stagehand torture device--badly designed prop or piece of scenery that is handled by a stagehand that may cause an ongoing or permanent injury to the stagehands handling it. "The bed unit in the recent production of 'Betrayal' was so heavy that the nightly shift turned it into a stagehand torture device."

Term of the Day: a haircut

a haircut--when you cut the top off a prop or a small piece of scenery, so it can be accommodated backstage. "We had to give the bookcase unit a haircut so it would fit on the set."

Term of the Day: good government job

good government job--job on a long-running show. Dependable pay, like the post office or some other civil service job. "Working on 'Phantom' is a good government job."

Archaic Verb of the Day: to troupe

to troupe--to travel as a member of a theatrical company. "We trouped through Detroit and several Midwestern cities." As a noun, troupe means a group of performers, a theatrical troupe.

Term of the Moment: first cover, second cover

first cover--an actor paid to cover the star of a show, who may have no role of their own in the show. If so, they are a standby, meaning they are required to be available for every performance to cover the star, to be on standby. The standby is a principal contract and can only be on standby for principals in the show. (A standby may cover multiple principals. Sometimes by contract, the standby must be within a 15-minute walk of the theater while the performance is on.  A second cover is often an ensemble member who is rehearsed to cover the star role when the first cover is sick or on vacation.

Term of the Day: send 'em back to the hall

send 'em back to the hall--when you've ordered a stagehand from the replacement room (the hiring hall) and he or she fails to perform, you can say, "Send 'em back to the hall."

Term of the Day: koo koo bird

koo koo bird--young, scattered actor or actress.

Tough Stagehand Line of the Day: "You can't break iron"

"You can't break iron"--When asked how he was recovering from an injury incurred when somebody pushed a roadbox on him, the stagehand, who survived the horrors of Vietnam combat, said with deadpan intensity, "You can't break iron."

Term of the Day: bust a move

bust a move--to start a project, to change a job. Or a dance move. "Break's over. Let us bust a move and store the dead orchestra seats."

Term of the Day: Broadway hungry

Broadway hungry--when a stagehand tries hard to get work on Broadway, after coming from the TV studios or the industrial world, where the pay is lower. "The former apprentice was Broadway hungry, trying to work in the theaters."

Unrewarding Jobs of the Moment: scut work, jobs

scut work, scut job--tedious, dirty work, often given to the youngest stagehand on the crew. "The young stagehand was given the scut job of cleaning old adhesive off the ramp with a heat gun and a spackle knife."

Important Term of the Day: my hook, hook

my hook, hook--the stagehand who pulls you into a job or  theater, often the head; a contact, a contact who gives you work. Can be used as a synonym for rabbi. "My first hook in the business was the elderly house propman at the Wintergarden." "I have no hooks at the St. James...I can't get you house seats."

Term of the Day: blow someone up

blow someone up--to attack another stagehand's reputation

Term of the Afternoon: Happy Valley

Happy Valley--theater or TV studio where the stagehands and actors, and even stage managers get along. The opposite of the places like the House of Hate. Can be sarcastic, as well.

Term of the Moment: cover the action

cover the action--for stagehands to break up the work, to cover a rehearsal (old gambling term where the bookie will cover the bets)

Term of the Day: Chekhov's gun

Chekhov's gun--a theory by the great Russian playwright that if a gun appears onstage in Act I, it will be used by the end of the show. "One must never place a loaded rifle on the stage if it isn't going to go off. It's wrong to make promises you don't mean to keep." Chekhov, letter to Aleksandr Semenovich Lazarev, 1 November 1889.

Term of the Day: "There's No Profit Like Non-Profit"

"There's No Profit Like Non-Profit"--this quote is attributed to Gerald Schoenfeld, the late and legendary head of the Shubert Organization, referring to the tax breaks that non-profit theater organizations get. I think of this for the recent purchase of the Little Helen Hayes Theatre on 44th Street, which has just been bought by the non-profit Second Stage Theatre, which has the theater on 43rd Street and 8th Avenue in the old bank and another very small theater on the Upper West Side. Second Stage will concentrate on modern American playwrights. May they have great success.

(Theater mavens should get the reference to the Ethel Merman showstopper in "Annie Get Your Gun" called "There's No Business Like Show Business.")

Term of the Day: Whack-a-Mole

Whack-a-Mole--during production, one you fix one problem, one or two more immediately pop up...it is like the old amusement park game Whack-a Mole.

Obscure Local #1 Geography: George M. Cohan's back pocket

George Cohan's back pocket--the uptown side of the planter surrounding the statue of the composer George M. Cohan on the island of Father Duffy Square, near 46th and Broadway...during industrial events on the island, bottled water is stored there for working stagehands. The island was named Father Duffy Square after the heroic World War I chaplain of the Fighting 69th (the Irish unit, with many recruited from Hell's Kitchen).

Term of the Day: "God's Gift to Modern Theater."

"God's gift to modern theater"--when a stagehand always has an uninformed answer on how to fix a problem or a stage manager will give hypersimplisitic instructions how to do the most basic task, you can take the measure of the man or woman by saying, "God's gift to modern theater."

Expression of the Day: "Hot soup, Hot soup!"

Hot soup, hot soup!"--when people refuse to move out of your way backstage when you are trying to get someplace quickly, calling out the old Chinese restaurant standby "Hot soup, Hot soup," may make them move.

Term of the Day: flop wall

flop wall--the wall in Joe Allen's that has posters of famous Broadway flops, including "The Moose Murders," "Kelly," and "Carrie," among many others.  Joe Allen's is a restaurant on 46th Street's  Restaurant Row that is famous with the Broadway community.

Vaudeville Term of the Week: second banana

second banana--a comedian in a vaudeville or burlesque theater who plays a secondary role. An actor who plays a secondary role to the leading man. A sidekick. "Tony Roberts has had a brilliant career playing second bananas, to Woody Allen in 'Annie Hall' and Al Pacino in 'Serpico.'"

Term of the Day: mope

mope--constant complainer, depressive

Term of the Day: self-inflicted wound

self-inflicted wound: when you hire a bad assistant on a show, it is a self-inflicted wound, that gets all pussy and gross.

Reining in The Occasional Whiny Musician: "You took the gig--shut up and play"

"You took the gig--shut up and play"--a musician friend told me that sometimes you have to be blunt with whiny fellow musicians...stop complaining about the quality of the conductor or your other bandmates and just play your book.

Sarcastic Backstage Banter of the Day: "I Smell Tony"

"I smell Tony"--when an actor does something really great or really horrible, another actor may say, "I smell Tony," meaning they would be up for a Tony Award.

Term of the Moment: to gaslight someone

to gaslight someone--to make a stagehand go crazy by repeating the same prank over and over again, possibly coordinating with other members of the backstage crew. Taken from the old Hollywood movie "Gaslight." "We gaslighted the young stagehand by having multiple members of the crew tell him the same piece of misinformation."

Term of the Night: wardrobe malfunction

wardrobe malfunction--to steal the term from the Janet Jackson--Justin Timberlake stunt at the 2004 Superbowl, when a costume opens up and reveals more that it should. "The Velcro on the actress' rip-away skirt gave way early, revealing her legs before the bit was supposed to happen."

Term of the Moment--Straight White Way

Straight White Way--after the success of "Spamalot" on Broadway, the New York Times wrote on April 10, 2005 about the phenomenon of straight men flocking to a Broadway show without their wives. It is a rarely repeated demographic on Broadway. The term is a satire of "Great White Way."

Sarcastic Term of the Day: slinging steel deck, waist deep in mud

slinging steel deck, waist deep in mud: when a stagehand is whining about the long hours they are working at their cushy Broadway theater job, you can say, "It is not like you are slinging steel deck, waist deep in mud."

Term of the Day: butter hands

butter hands--stagehand known to drop things. See also: dropsy. "I am a real butter hands today."

Term of the Moment: noble failure

noble failure--a Broadway show that receives rave reviews and is an artistic favorite in the community, but has dismal ticket sales and dies a quick death. These shows are mounted on Broadway when producers follow their hearts, rather then their wallets.

Term of the Day: box-office poison

box-office poison--a leading actor or actress who is capable of killing a show. Sometimes, a crew member who has worked on a string of bombs will call themselves box-office poison. "The young stage manager, who had worked on a string of bombs, called herself 'box-office poison.'" "Baywatch's David Hasselhoff was box-office poison for the original 'Jekyll and Hyde' in the late 1990's."

Scatological Term of the Day--to step in shit

to step in shit--to get a job you did not ask for, good fortune coming out of nowhere. "The young stagehand stepped in shit when he was given a Broadway job."

Term of the Day: take a picture

take a picture-- you’re fired, you are not going to see this place again

Sarcastic term of the Moment: Living the dream

"Living the dream"--said when doing work that is particularly filthy or boring.

Term for a Hard Day: to do the heavy lifting

to do the heavy lifting- -a day or period of hard work (unloading trucks, carrying couches to the fifth floor)..."we had some heavy lifting to do," "We already did the heavy lifting.”

Perils of Stagehanding: to get dinged

to get dinged--to get hit, usually on the head

Respect for the Old Timers: "When the scenery was made out of wood and the men were made out of steel"

"When the scenery was made out of wood and the men were made out of steel"--mocking line when an older stagehand starts telling a story about how tough stagehands used to be. "Wheels hadn't even been invented yet when I started in the business, sonny."

Term of the Moment: underminer

underminer--stagehand who will undermine other members of the crew for personal advancement or because he/she can't help him or herself.

Term of the Whiny Moment: Debbie Downer

Debbie Downer-- constant complainer. SHOULD be used for both sexes. Based on the old SNL skit.

Term of the Day: Anecdotage

anecdotage--nonmedical explanation for the condition of an older stagehand who tells the same five stories over and over again, usually with him/her as the hero/heroine of the story or airing old grievances, often with most people in the story dead or retired.

Term of the Moment: fluffer

fluffer--prop person who is skilled with fabric goods (drapes, pillows and bedspreads). Has different meaning in porn world.

Term of the Moment: Busted valise

Busted valise: This is probably the great indigenous Broadway term. A valise is an old name for a small suitcase A busted valise is a screw up, a wounded soul, somebody who has been severely damaged and is not coming back whole. The term can also be used as an adjective, like a busted-valise local, where the local is full of screw ups. I met a famous head, who had been forced to retire because of two injuries. I asked her how she was doing, and she said, "Ah, I'm a busted valise." TV stagehands don't know this term, and it is hard to find a Broadway stagehand under 50 who knows it.

Memory of the Day--"I came from the back of a truck."

"I came from the back of a truck"--No matter where you wind up in the stage industry, the vast majority of us started by unloading trucks.

Prudent Move of the Moment: "Get adult supervision."

"get adult supervision"--find a supervisor, a head or even a designer to detail the work that has to be done. When a small crew of extra men need direction, sometimes a loudmouth in the group will start barking out orders. A saner head might say, "Let's get adult supervision," meaning to get the person responsible for the project to sign off on it or to explain what has to be done.

Line of the Moment: "Fuck the road, this is Broadway."

"Fuck the road...this is Broadway"...standard response to a roadman who repeatedly bleats "This is how we did it on the road."

Term of the Day: button job

button job--to run automation

Composer Scorn: (to) Wildhorn someone

(to) Wildhorn someone--The main Broadway reviewers for the New York Times hate the composer Frank Wildhorn, so his musicals always get savaged. Repeated vicious reviews about the same composer or playwright by the same reviewer means that the artist has been Wildhorned.

Acronym of the Day: STW

STW--"straight to wardrobe." When an actor or an actress slays at an audition and gets the role, the casting agent or director might write on his/her resume, "STW," meaning the job is theirs, measure them for a costume.

Term of the Moment: staged reading

staged reading--when talent, often named talent, gives a reading with scripts for potential producers. A staged reading happens before the workshop is greenlighted.

Term of the Day: stagehand bush telegraph

stagehand bush telegraph--how gossip gets around in the theater district. See also: "Telephone, telegram, tell a stagehand."

The Art of Carrying: Four bag

four bag--four men on a piece ("Let’s four bag the piece.”)

Annals of Overacting: pulling focus

pulling focus--when an actor makes large gestures or overacts, they may succeed in shifting the audience's focus to him or her, away from main action of the scene.

Term of the Day: black cloud

black cloud: a perpetually miserable stagehand, where no amount of overtime or meal penalties will ever bring a smile to his or her face.

Orchestra Term of the Day: clown car

clown car: a Broadway conductor friend of mine calls his small pit of 11 musicians the clown car. "I have to check in on the clown car," he said, as he went back into the pit. The reference is to the old circus gag of cramming many clowns into a tiny vehicle.

Term of the moment: break your chops

break your chops--to make fun of someone, sometimes harmless, sometimes malicious.

Term of the Day: battlefield conditions

battlefield conditions--during the brutal production period, repairs are made with materials at hand and props are built and scenery rehashed in the alleys of theaters, often during the freezing winter. Sometimes miracles are pulled off in primitive conditions. When asked why a certain decision during production was made, you can mutter "battlefield conditions."

Term of the moment: the Great Land Grab

the Great Land Grab--when the different departments during a load in grab different areas of the basement or other available places of the theater to store their road boxes, put chairs and tables, as well as to make sleeping berths. As a rule, wardrobe tends to grab most of the basement, the heads tend to have their own offices and the stagehands who work for the theater might have a crew room. The remaining space is usually divvied up among the contract stagehands, who work for the show. Often, the stagehand working the hardest, like the contract carpenter, will get screwed out of marking out space because he or she is trapped on deck during much of the production period while the choice spaces are being grabbed.

International Term of the Day: pendejo

pendejo--dumbass, (lit. pubic hair, Mexican slang) This term comes from a very talented, fiery star dresser from "Victor/Victoria," who if you got in her way, would bowl you over snarling "Pendajo!"

Term of the Night: "good union man"

good union man--upholds works rules, supports union over corrupt practices that would result in personal enrichment. My friend and fellow Onesy Jay Silverstein died on January 3rd at 57. He'd retired two years before with the classic stagehand complaints, including a bad back and busted feet. He moved to Florida and did a lot of fishing, but died after a short battle with brain cancer. That is what I can say about him, that Jay was a good union man. Rest in Peace, Jay.

Term of the Day: toasters

toasters--automated scenic elements that pop out of the deck whose tops are flush with the deck and disguised so that they are a surprise to the audience. May have a flip up lids like the snowbanks at "Gentleman's Guide to Love and Murder" or may have tops that are painted the same as the show deck like the in-deck door units at "Jersey Boys."

Term of the Day: theatrical herpes

theatrical herpes: glitter, sparkles or small pieces of confetti. When glitter is used in set painting, it is like theatrical herpes, meaning that it never goes away, no matter how much you vacuum or sweep. The same can be said for mylar confetti, small pieces of paper confetti or fake snow. "Glitter is like theatrical herpes," said the scenic artist.

Term of the Night: road dog

road dog--stagehand who sleeps around on the road.

Term of the Day: put-in rehearsal

put-in rehearsal--rehearsal for new lead or actor going into show, usually using costumes (at least for the new actor) and automation, with most of the crew called in.

Term from the Wardrobe Department: "Diva Las Vegas"

“Diva Las Vegas”—pejorative term applied by a wardrobe supervisor to a female lead with a long list of complaints. 

Term of the Moment: "clear for talent"

"clear for talent"--sarcastic and usually friendly term used when actors are walking through a group of stagehands.

Term of the Day: brick in the wall

brick in the wall--to ignore existence of another person in the theater (“From now on, he’s another brick in the wall,” said the head carpenter.)